Call Me Dave The EUphile

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2008

Call Me Dave The EUphile

Dave Cameron: "I've just wiped my arse with my hand and... eurgh... it smells like my EU policy."

Oh dear, oh dear! It seems that poor old Call Me Dave is having a few problems with high-profile members of his party calling for Britain to leave the EU. And now, apparently, there's another one...

Maurice Golden, a 28-year-old campaign manager for Keep Scotland Beautiful, was asked by a political magazine which one law he would repeal, if given the chance. "European Communities Act 1972," he told the Total Politics website, without a moment's hesitation.

Good man. You'll notice that your humble Devil chose precisely the same law.

Which one law would you repeal?

The European Communities Act 1972, which is the lynchpin upon which our membership of the EU turns. Repealing that one law would enable us to strike down all of the legislation imported through the EU's corpus juris and pave the way for a return to the common law system of which we were justly proud.

I have become convinced that even the vague possibility of a freer society—leave aside a libertarian one—is dependent upon us leaving the European Union.

Maurice Golden was a little more brief but, nevertheless, pretty damn clear.

Which one law would you repeal?

European Communities Act 1972.

However, as observers of politics might remember, this was never going to guarantee Master Golden any plaudits from his treacherous party leader.

The act took Britain into the European Economic Community and its repeal would entail withdrawal from the EU. Cameron declared only a few months into his leadership that MPs advocating withdrawal would be barred from serving on his front bench.

Mind you, Dave has said a long of things: I seem to remember, for instance, something about leaving the EPP in "a matter of months, not years". Was anyone else at all surprised that this was a massive, stinking lie?

So it seems inevitable that Spam has decided to reign in his errant child...

After Mandrake informed the Tory leader, who was campaigning in Glenrothes yesterday, about his candidate's remark, the pair appeared to have had a frank exchange of views. "David has spoken to Maurice and there is no question of him wanting to pull out of the European Union," said his spokesman. "Maurice believes that there should be changes to the act, but not that it should be repealed."

Really? You know, he seemed so unequivocable on the Total Politics website; obviously it was just an oversight by Maurice—what he meant to write was...

Which one law would you repeal?

I don't want to repeal any law, because all of the laws on the British statute book are so utterly wonderful and brilliant—even the NuLabour ones. I can't imagine living without any of them.

However, if I must give an answer [it's made clear that you do not have to answer all of the questions, by the way—DK], I would say that I would like to make a few changes here and there to the European Communities Act 1972.

I don't want to repeal it, you understand—just make a few syntactical amendments.

Hey, Dave! How about not lying like the slippery politico cunt that you are and just coming out and saying what you mean?—that you love the EU with all of your heart and you absolutely will not countenance leaving under any circumstances.

And whilst you are about it, why not admit that all of that bollocks about"renegotiating Britain's deal with the EU" was just a massive fucking lie; oh, and why not carry on and admit that there is no way to renegotiate anyway?

Come on, you fucking bastard: why not tell the truth for once—you might find it liberating. I know that we in the UK Libertarian* Party do...

UPDATE: it has just occurred to me that I may have underestimated David Cameron (although I doubt it)—let me explain.

Cameron has been cracking down particularly heavily on anti-EU dissent amongst his elected members: but why now? Well, were I to credit Mr Cameron with any intelligence and, crucially, a more than healthy EUscepticism (I don't), I might wonder if his thinking did not run along these lines...

It now seems inevitable that the next government will be a Tory one; that being the case, it now seems equally inevitable that the lights will start to go out in about 2012. Our powerstations are almost all now beyond their rated lifetimes, and some seriously so.

We all know that wind power simply won't do the job and also that, unlike Germany or Denmark, we do not have the infrastructure to import or export large quantities of electricity.

We also know that the EU will impose harsh penalties for building conventional powerstations and that, in any case, a coal-fired installation would take at least five years to come on-stream, and a nuclear reactor would take more like ten years.

There are two results then: either the lights start going out or we keep running those powersations into the ground—leading to a British Chernobyl. Either one would spell a swift end to the Tory government.

However, if Call Me Dave can hold off on the EUscepticism until one of those results actually comes to pass, he could easily call for withdrawal from the EU "whose insane adherence to unrealistic goals have brought us to the brink of disaster/have caused this disaster [delete as appropriate]**"—and he would win by a landslide (he could also publically hang Zac Goldsmith in front of a cheering crowd).

But, as I said, that requires Dave to be strategically intelligent, unbelievably Machiavellian and virulently opposed to Britain's EU membership. And I don't think any of those apply.

So, he's just a lying, fucking EUphile then...

* Oh, Dave? Just for your reference, that is libertarian and not libertine, you spineless wanker.

** I should be a speechwriter really, eh?