Last updated at 1:21 AM on 23rd June 2009 Following his self-pitying interview in The Guardian, Gordon Brown is to appear as a special guest on Songs Of Praise, affording him another chance to boast about his moral compass. Every time he's caught lying and cheating, he hides behind his Son of the Manse act. Apparently his father, the late John Brown, was a Church of Scotland minister. Gordon has chosen Psalm 23, The Lord Is My Shepherd, and a couple of his favourite hymns. He will also hold forth on the subject of 'courage'. Yes, honestly. I'm surprised the BBC doesn't just let Gordon conduct the whole service. It might go something like this: Dearly beloved, today's lesson is taken from the holy Book of Balls, the chapter which deals with the very real challenges of post neoclassical endogenous growth syndrome. It is about a Good Samaritan who devotes his life to saving the world and a rich man who passes by on the other side of the road. Let us begin by singing our first hymn. All things bright and beautiful, All schools and hospitals, All our public services, Call Me Dave will close them all. Each surgery we've opened, Each council house for rent, Will soon be turned to rubble, By Mr Ten Per Cent. All things bright and beautiful, All schools and hospitals All our public services, Call Me Dave will close them all. The nurses in starched aprons, The bobbies on the beat, The teachers in the classrooms, The sweepers of the streets. All things bright and beautiful, All schools and hospitals, All our public services, Call Me Dave will close them all. The smiling dinner ladies, The workmen in their huts, The midwives and the matrons, Will fall to Tory cuts. All things bright and beautiful, All schools and hospitals, All our public services, Call Me Dave will close them all. Diversity advisers, Co-ordinators, too, They're going to rob the many, For tax cuts for the few. All things bright and beautiful, All schools and hospitals, All our public services, Call Me Dave will close them all. And I say unto them, Our Lord was not elected, either, but he was the right man for the job. The tough choice we face today is between what Jesus would have called 'investing' in people and doing nothing. Ask yourself this: when having to choose between feeding the 5,000 and healing the sick, or cutting inheritance tax for a handful of multi-millionaires, what would Our Lord have done? Let us pray. Thy will be done In Cabinet As it is in Parliament. Give us each day our additional costs allowance And lead us out of recession. Forgive us our expenses But never forgive those who conspire against you. Lead us not out of Europe And deliver us from Cameron. For you are in office But not in power. Amen. As we all know, Jesus chased the money lenders out of the temple. But he didn't have to cope with a global financial crisis, caused by reckless money-lenders in America. While I have chased some out of the temple - Sir Fred Goodwin, for instance - I could not risk the temple falling down. So I have nationalised the temple and loaned the money lenders £1.3 trillion. Although Jesus had many great gifts, such as the ability to turn water into wine, he did not have quantitative easing. There is a lesson here we would all do well to reflect upon, particularly those who would stand back and do nothing. If I may quote the great hymn: Another example of the way in which Labour governs for the many, not the few. (Congregation) Praise be to Gord! He maketh me lie to the House of Commons, He guideth me through leadership challenges, He restoreth my job, He leadeth me down the path of selfishness, For his own sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the mountain of debt, I will take no blame. For this is a crisis, Which is global, And began in America. He prepareth excuses for me in the presence of mine enemies, He anointeth my head with guile, His prize is to runneth the country. Surely shame and dishonour shall follow him all the days of his life. But He will dwell in the House of Lords for ever. Let me leave you with this thought: it takes as much courage to break your promises as it does to keep them. Sometimes it is more courageous to tell lies than to tell the truth. As we sing our last hymn, a particular favourite of my good friend President Obama, Mr Darling will be passing among you with the collection plate. All members of the congregation will be expected to contribute 50 per cent of their salary, plus VAT. And may the Lord have mercy on my soul. •An edited version of this programme is now available on YouTube.Praise be to Gord!
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(Congregation) Praise be to Gord!
Please be seated. People often say to me: 'Prime Minister, you were never elected.'
Our Leader, Who art in Downing Street, Gordon is thy name.
When I read my Bible each night as I lie awake in bed, worrying about how I can help hard-working families, I am struck by how many of the challenges I face - treacherous disciples, for instance - would be familiar to Our Lord.
We plough the fields and scatter, The good seed on the land.
Our final reading this morning is Psalm 23.
The Lord Mandelson is my shepherd, I shall not resign.
John Brown's body is revolving in his grave, John Brown's body is revolving in his grave, John Brown's body is revolving in his grave, But his son keeps droning on...Explore more:
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
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