Gerald Warner
Gerald Warner is an author, broadcaster, columnist and polemical commentator who writes about politics, religion, history, culture and society in general.
Tony Blair, Holy Roman Emperor and Leader of Progressive Humanity gives acceptance speech
By Gerald Warner Politics Last updated: October 27th, 2009
“Hey, look – I mean – come on – I’m a pretty straight sort of Holy Roman Emperor. Not that I wanted the job, of course. But sometimes you have to bow to public opinion and accept the inevitable. What ruling Europe takes is imagination and I think I’ve got bags of that. Did I ever tell you how I watched my teenage hero Jackie Milburn, of Newcastle United, from behind the goal at St James’s Park – even though Milburn left when I was four years old and there were no seats behind the goals until the 1990s?
‘Hey, this is not the time for soundbites, but…’“Or about the time, when I was 14, I stowed away at Newcastle Airport on a flight for the Bahamas – even though no long-haul flights left from Newcastle in those days? No? Anyway, Des O’Connor loved it when I told it on his show. Of course, that was small beer; I soon started doing bigger stuff. Like Weapons of Mass Destruction – those wimps on the Joint Intelligence Committee claimed that intelligence on Saddam’s WMD programme was ‘sporadic and patchy’.
“I ask you! How are you going to whip the British public into Churchillian war fever with that kind of weedy defeatism? So I changed it to ‘extensive, detailed and authoritative’, with just the right hint that if we didn’t get Brit boots onto the sand asap, Cyprus would be vaporised within an hour. That worked: I always say, tell people like it is and they’ll fall into line. So I think I’ll make a pretty good Emperor of Europe.
“I mean, the timing couldn’t be better, now that I’ve brought peace to the Middle East. And, obviously, the head honcho of Europe can’t be hauled off his throne to attend some piddling inquiry about Iraq. I mean, Iraq is so yesterday. Cherie and I are more into reforming the Catholic Church these days. Three persons in the Trinity? I don’t call that inclusive or democratic – we’ll be creating a few more, to represent minorities better.
“I’d thought of bringing B16 – he’s being pretty obstructive about some of Cherie’s proposals for reform, incidentally – to Aix-la-Chapelle to crown me; but then I thought, no. I’ll be phasing out the Papacy pretty soon anyway – unless they show definite signs of electing me – so let’s go for something more New Europe. I thought I might just crown myself and Cherie in Notre Dame, like Napoleon and Josephine.
“And, incidentally, I’d just like to make a few points against the Forces of Conservatism that so dishonestly claim I would sell out British interests. I think my record speaks for itself. When the Romanian steel industry was up for privatisation, I wrote to the Romanian president to support Lakshmi Mittal. The Forces of Conservatism claimed that was unpatriotic because his company was a competitor of Corus. What they carefully concealed from the public was the fact that, despite Lakshmi being an Indian citizen and his holdings being based in the Dutch Antilles, of his 125,000 employees at least 85 were in Britain. Was I supposed to overlook their interests?
“It’s that kind of imaginative insight I want to bring to ruling Europe. I need to get back into rhetorical mode, though, I’m a bit out of practice. ‘To every nation a purpose. To every party a cause’ – that kind of stuff. Or was it ‘To every party a purpose…’? What a to-do to die today at a minute or two to two… I might do speeches in French, now that I’ve gone Europorkie – Wow! Is this going to sicken Gordon! Let us go forward together… But this is no time for soundbites – I feel the mantle of Charlemagne on my shoulder.”
Tags: president of europe, tony blair
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