Iain Martin...
I have been handed a dodgy dossier which details the Conservative leadership’s fraught decision making process as they attempted to come up with a new policy on the European Union. It is based on minutes of top secret meetings held in recent months and for historians offers a rare glimpse of the inner workings of the Tory high command.
22nd September 2009, 9am. Venue: Shadow cabinet room, Westminster. Present: D. Cameron, W. Hague, G. Osborne, Steve Hilton (Advertising guru), Andy Coulson (Media supremo).
Mr. Cameron opened proceedings by saying that while he very much hoped that the Lisbon treaty would not be ratified it now appeared that it would be and the party would need a new policy on Europe. A post-ratification referendum might, regrettably, prove untenable, he said. Did anybody have any ideas? Mr. Hague said that he had been worrying about this privately for some time and was very relieved that there would probably not be a referendum campaign. He had not been looking forward to clambering back on that Union flag-clad flat-bed truck he had travelled the country in promising to save the pound in the 2001 general election. It had been a nice enough truck, said Mr. Hague, but sometimes there had been rain and Mr. (Alan) Duncan, his campaign aide, had failed to order the construction of an adequate roof. Mr. Hilton noted that the 2001 campaign had not worked out very well, and that all the polling evidence suggested that actually it had been the opposition of the then Chancellor Gordon Brown to British Euro entry that had won the day. Mr. Hague looked glum and indicated that this was probably true. Mr. Cameron asked Mr. Hilton not to wander off topic and to refocus in a blue-sky-thinking way on “what the hell to do next”. Mr. Hilton replied that he had undertaken some focus group research on Europe and that he had a power-point presentation ready. He dimmed the lights and turned on a soundtrack by the Chemical Brothers by way of introduction. His findings, he said, were not yet complete but they indicated some interesting trends amongst key swing voters. On Europe, British attitudes were changing. The South of France was very much out, being too “bling-bling” - ditto Portofino. Even the cooler “chill-out” venues such as Ibiza were fading, as key voters looked to combine their bo-ho chic Notting Hill ethic with rural authenticity in remote destinations such as Gascony and inland Spain. Mr. Cameron interrupted Mr. Hilton by saying that the presentation was not quite what he had envisaged and asked him to undertake a review of focus group research ahead of the next meeting.
24th September 2009, 10am. Venue, CCHQ Millbank Tower. Present: D. Cameron, W. Hague, G. Osborne, Ed Llewellyn, Steve Hilton, Andy Coulson
Time was running out said Mr. Cameron and the urgent priority was to “cobble something together that can get us through Tory conference.” Mr. Hague said that Mr. Osborne was very good at this sort of thing and perhaps he might be able to come up with something. There was a long silence. Mr. Osborne said that he had always liked it when Mr.Hague did that “silly thing with his voice” when making speeches about Europe when he was leader. Mr Hague asked Mr. Osborne what he meant. Mr. Osborne adopted a Yorkshire accent and said “you know, ’saaaave thu pound’, we must ’saaaave thu pound…’.” Mr Hague looked hurt and said that he had not been trying to put on a silly voice when he made those speeches, it had just been his real voice. Mr. Cameron sighed and asked Mr. Osborne to stop it. Mr. Osborne said, to be serious for a moment, that the best way to prevent a row on Lisbon was just to avoid ever mentioning Europe. Mr. Cameron looked annoyed and said he didn’t think that would endure for five minutes with the press. Mr. Coulson disagreed, saying it had every chance of working and the press not noticing. Mr. Cameron sighed again and said that if no-one had any better ideas then “not mentioning Europe” would have to do. Mr. Llewellyn promised to talk, discretely, to Tory big beasts such as Lord Heseltine and Ken Clarke, who are pro-Europe, and to ensure that they were “on the same page as us” and lined up not to say anything.
7th October 2009, 7am. Venue, penthouse suite of the Midland Hotel Manchester at Conservative Conference. Present. D. Cameron, Mrs Samantha Cameron, G. Osborne, Andy Coulson and Steve Hilton
Mr. Cameron said that on his morning run through the streets of Manchester with Mr. Desmond Swayne MP (his parliamentary aide and exercise partner) he had been thinking about the EU issue. Mr. Osborne’s idea of just not mentioning Europe seemed to be working so far but it had a limited shelf-life as the Czechs were under intense pressure to ratify. What a mess the whole thing was, he said; it could dominate the whole first year of a Tory government. Mrs. Cameron reminded Mr. Cameron that he should eat something, suggesting a guava and kiwi fruit smoothie followed by a bowl of dorset cereals muesli. Mr. Cameron said he would prefer a bacon sandwich but was over-ruled by Mrs. Cameron. Mr. Coulson asked if there was any way out of the referendum pledge. Mr. Osborne indicated that there might be. Mr. Cameron should pen a hand-written note to President Vaclav Klaus. Should he offer Mr. Klaus his support and urge him not to sign the Lisbon Treaty, asked Mr. Hilton? Mr. Cameron thought for a very long time and said: “Hmmmmmmmm, maybe.” Wouldn’t it be easier if Klaus just signed the damn thing and we could all get on with the rest of our lives, asked Mrs. Cameron? Mr Cameron indicated that everyone apart from Mrs. Cameron should leave as he wanted to eat his muesli and have another think.
25th October 14th, 11am. Conference call. D. Cameron at home in Oxfordshire, W. Hague, G. Osborne and Steve Hilton dialing in from London.
Mr. Cameron said that he was in the kitchen helping to test a variety of new kitchen products with his wife Samantha, whose friend is opening an upmarket kitchenware outlet in Holland Park. He had liked a hand-drier for figs but was less convinced by a prototype make-your-own mozzarella kit. He warned everyone on the call that Mrs. Cameron, Samantha, was in the kitchen and wanted discussions kept brief, as Europe is quite boring. Steve Hilton opened by saying that he had tweaked his focus group methodology. Euroscepticism, he said, is in the middle of an identity crisis. Absolutely everyone is Eurosceptic now, only they’re too jaded to think that it will make any difference so have given up and are prepared to accept being ruled by Europe. It’s just simpler that way. Key voters political concerns have either gone “hyper-local”, with local environmental projects and building Iain Duncan Smith drop-in self-help centres for the poor, he said. Or they are fixated on global issues: eradicating malaria, getting a better ticket for Davos, that sort of thing. Mr. Cameron said it sounded like there was still some work to be done on finessing the focus group research. Mr. Hague said that he had been thinking and surely the answer was to get someone respected, like Mr. Osborne, to announce a simple change of policy? Meaning no referendum. Mr. Osborne indicated that he thought Mr. Hague was more trusted on this issue what with his travelling about on the Union-flag clad lorry in the 2001 election but Mr. Hilton pointed out that the result of the 2001 election indicated the contrary. Mr. Cameron said that “squabbling will get us nowhere.” Mr. Hague asked what President Klaus had said about the letter that Mr. Cameron had sent him. Mr. Cameron said that the postal strike had delayed a lot of mail, and that President Klaus appeared not to have received it. Mr. Hague promised to ring the sorting office and look into it.
October 30th 2009 9.30am. Venue: Mr. Cameron’s office, Westminster. Present: D. Cameron, W. Hague, G. Osborne, A. Coulson.
Mr. Cameron began proceedings by saying that the time for a decision had come, and he had taken it while cycling to work on his bicycle. There would be no referendum. Instead he would accept Lisbon and then ask for concessions from the EU. Mr. Hague asked if this meant that after the general election he would have to look very cross and travel to meetings with other countries’ Foreign Secretaries to demand they give back Britain its special powers? Mr. Cameron said yes, that he should aim to look stern but not excessively so. But what if he didn’t get any concessions, asked Mr. Hague? Mr. Osborne said, all things considered, they should cross that bridge when they came to it. Mr. Coulson agreed. Mr. Hague said he would practice his stern face for negotiating with the EU. Mr. Cameron laughed.
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