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April 27, 2010
The 50 best campaign quotes so far
We’ve had three solid weeks of talking. Whether launching manifestos, shouting catchphrases or chatting up swing voters on the campaign trail, the politicos have been in fine voice. Here’s our pick of the superb, stupid and just plain surreal. (All pictures PA)
BEST MALORY TOWERS RIPOSTE NOT TO COME FROM A CONSERVATIVE
“Just pipe down, give someone else a go” - Nick Clegg’sWestminster schooling comes into play while battling a heckler at a rally in Swansea.
UNLIKELY TRANSFORMATIONS
"There's an elephant in the room. I am the elephant man.” – Vince Cable on dealing with mounting government debt.
“As for Clegg, there is a touch of the Dianification going on” – Tony Blair’s former press secretary Alastair Campbell tries to de-Midas the Lib Dem leader.
“I must be the only politician who has gone from being Churchill to a Nazi in under a week.” – Nick Clegg, on the receiving end of media outrage after the leaders' debates
ELECTION INSULTS
"If you flirt with Nick Clegg you might end up waking up with David Cameron, William Hague and God forbid, Eric Pickles as well. I think that’s a night you could live to regret." Peter Mandelsonburns a horrible image onto the nation’s minds.
“Of course Gordon Brown has got a radio face - and nobody can get away from that” - Former Labour leader Lord Kinnock pulls out a charm offensive.
“Is it worth the paper it is written on?” – BBC political editor Nick Robinson squashes the Labour Party manifesto flat.
“Isn’t the biggest myth of the election your reputation?” – Broadcaster Andrew Neil questions Vince Cable.
“As a Freeman of the City of London, I am entitled to stroll about the place with my sword unsheathed. I use it sparingly to discourage hawkers, muggers and politicians” - Sir Terry Wogan, filling the obligatory politician joke space.
EVERYONE HATES TONY
“Tony Blair reminds me of a water spider. It skims across the water, but once it has gone, you can’t tell that it was ever there” – Labour’s Frank Field gets crossed off Cherie’s Christmas card list.
“We used to pay more for his wife’s hairdressing” - Labour MPLindsay Hoyle is unimpressed by news that multi-millionaire Tony Blair’s recent Labour donations amount to a paltry £13,500.
“Tony Blair left Parliament to pursue an income abroad” - Blair’s former deputy PM John Prescott – the love is apparent.
RORY BREMNER SPECIAL
“I can’t do a convincing Nick Clegg, but nor can he.”
“I could stand on stage and do my best impression of David Miliband for five minutes, and I’d be met with blank stares.”
“Describing Tony Blair as Middle East peace envoy is like asking a mosquito to find a cure for malaria.”
"I do Tony Blair’s voice but Cameron does his entire career.”
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
“Are we going dogging?” – an ahead-of-schedule Lib Dem camp takes a break in some woodland.
“Now I know which came first - the chicken not the egg” – David Cameron after being egged in Cornwall, having pulled the head off the Daily Mirror’s giant chicken the day before.
“Rude sod. Preston is a brash, soulless place. Write that down!” –Jack Straw’s comment to a reporter who had been told by a Preston taxi driver that visiting Straw’s constituency, Blackburn, was like entering a time warp.
"If I have to spend the second half of the election behind bars, so be it" – Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik who got on the wrong side of the law after threatening to take down "troublesome" traffic lights in his Montgomeryshire constituency.
SCHADENFREUDE
“I 100% support the law on mobile phones - it’s there to protect the safety of all drivers, passengers and pedestrians” – Schools Secretary Ed Balls, who was fined £60 for using a mobile phone while driving.
“As Tony Blair once said, things can only get better” – Shadow Defence Secretary Liam Fox after his home was burgled.
ATTACK OF THE PAINFULLY OBVIOUS
“Women – and you are one of them” – Gordon Brown, addressing an elderly, er, woman, during the second leaders’ debate.
"Is something happening today?" – Ed Balls, entering 10 Downing Street on 6 April.
“I’m an MP” – Nick Clegg, ad infinitum in leaders’ debate #1.
“Famously, I’m somewhat impatient” – the Prime Minister.
TWITTER TYPOS
“I buy my shits from M&S.” – Conservative chairman Eric Picklesmisses his r's.
“That’s some sponsorship deal you’ve got from M&S!” – John Prescott’s reply.
T-SHIRT CATCHPHRASES
“I agree with Nick” - Gordon Brown and David Cameron in the first leaders’ debate spawned a media backlash and a rather brilliant Twitter anti-backlash, #nickcleggsfault.
“If I were your Prime Minister” – David Cameron tries subliminal messaging.
“These two” – Nick Clegg in debate #1. Unwisely pilfered byGordon Brown in debate #2.
“Get real” – Gordon Brown hits out at Clegg from the safe haven of 1993.
“Without the proper equipment” – Clegg and Cameron double team against Brown with this repeated sting about the Armed Forces' readiness for combat.
"I was in Plymouth recently and a 40-year-old black man said 'I came here when I was six, I've served in the Royal Navy for 30 years.” – David Cameron’s hurried stats led to this “meetings” generator.
“I met some…” – all three. Yes, alright, we know you’ve all been pressing the flesh with butcher-like zeal, stop showing off about it.
“Five thousand million” – Gordon Brown breaks down ‘five billion’ for those lacking in calculators, imagination.
DEBATE ZINGERS
“You can’t deport 900,000 people if you don’t know where they live.” – Nick Clegg to Gordon Brown.
“It sounds like you are going to put border controls along the M5” –David Cameron to Nick Clegg.
“You should be ashamed” – David Cameron tells Gordon Brown off over false Labour leaflet claims against the Tories.
"You two need to move on. We're not in the cold war any more" –Clegg borrows Cameron’s best “bedtime for naughty bears” voice to tell off the squabbling opposition.
“There are some things a gentleman doesn’t talk about” – spoilsport Alistair Darling tells off interviewer Piers Morgan for asking questions about his sex life.
SAY WHAT NOW?
“I think it’s like a big wobbly sausage and a really strange pair of trousers and the sausage sticking out of the front of the trousers” – Singer Billy Bragg gives his considered view on the election.
OVERWROUGHT NATIONALISM
“To be patriotic is to appreciate and be grateful for all that is valuable in the country you live in. It does not require you to be a xenophobe or a blinkered nationalist” – Archbishop of York Dr John Sentamu provides a much-needed dictionary moment.
“Nick Griffin on Radio 5 live right now. Can we not just drop him in the volcano as a sacrifice and see if that sorts it all out?” – Radio 4 comic Susan Calman, oh how you tempt us.
AH, DIDDUMS
“The thing I notice with Gordon Brown is that he has a very kind voice, soothing, with real warmth, but he has the look of a chemistry teacher” – impressionist Alistair McGowan.
“The last four years have felt like the longest job interview in the world” – David Cameron.
“I know a little bit about what it is to have a short political honeymoon” – Gordon Brown on Nick Clegg’s popularity surge.
“I used to make him lay the table too until I realised one day, once all the guests were already seated, that the reason I didn’t recognise the tablecloth was because he’d laid all the places on top of a checked duvet cover” – Sarah Brown shows Gordon's skills lie outside the household.
“I love doing what I do. But I don’t feel particularly inspired by the new people. I’ve got a choice as to whether I sit down with a pair of headphones and listen to Philip Hammond for a few hours or kill myself” – Rory Bremner, on a lacklustre new breed of satirical subjects.
THE LESLIE PHILLIPS 'I SAY, DING DONG' AWARD
“I look forward to going back with the greatest of interest. Judging by the newspapers it looks like there are going to be a great number of very pretty girls on the Conservative benches and that’ll be fun” - veteran Tory MP Sir Peter Tapsell, 80, gets prepped for the next parliament.
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