Nick Clegg “delighted” by new fagging portfolio
Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has said that he is “honoured” by his new appointment as personal fag to David Cameron. Under the arrangement, Mr Clegg will perform household chores for the prime minister - including pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket, polishing his shoes, keeping the study fire stoked, running him a hot bath after games, scrubbing mud of his rugby boots and blancoing his CCF gaiters and belt. Oh, and making lots of hot-buttered toast, as well as nipping across to Fortnum's for comestibles.
In return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members of Cabinet. “Of course Clegg is not a full boarder,” said Cameron, “He’s a day boy - and on a bursary. But rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.”
“This is a unique opportunity,” said Clegg, “For some people, running around and opening doors for your fagmaster might seem demeaning. But for me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.”
David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie. “This is all part of the rough and tumble of government,” said Cameron, “I am sure that the new boys will soon get used to this horseplay and find their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.”
Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. “This isn’t exactly what I had signed up for,” said Mr Cable, “and it may take a little while getting used to my new ministerial title as ‘Scullion’.”
When asked whether he had sold out to the prime minister, Clegg replied: “I have made his bed, and he will lie in it.
12th May 2010
Britain wakes up today knowing it could introduce both the prime minister and deputy prime minister to its parents without having to endure an uncomfortable silence as they realised they had nothing in common. David Cameron met a visibly relieved Queen shortly after 8pm, accepting her invitation to form a government of gentlemen before laughing their heads off about how Gordon Brown used to say “tea” instead of “supper”.
Minutes later the new prime minister spoke to the nation outside Number 10, peeing gently into his trousers while his glowing wife Samantha stood behind him wearing the smile of someone at a summer drinks party who has just turned round to see a demented rhinoceros thundering across the lawn.
The coalition deal was finally sealed yesterday evening during a hastily arranged phone call between David Cameron and Nick Clegg where they compared notes on the daughters of minor aristocrats that they had felt up at charity balls in the 1980s.The prime minister’s spokesman said: "We knew we had a workable, four-year deal when David and Nick both realised they had probably fingered the Hon. Charlotte Brampton during the same Henley Regatta."
The new administration started work immediately as
But, across
Tom Logan, from
Toodle pip!
Posts
