Mr Cameron and his aides are hoping that it will swamp Mr Clegg, though early experiments have not been encouraging. Existing stocks of slime were effective only against Gordon Brown, who is now so covered in effluent and slurry that thereis no point in tipping any more of it overhis baffled, scowling head. Tory environmental experts were scratching their heads, wondering what to do with the surplus anti-Brown fluid. It cannot be poured down the drain. It is so virulent that it would poison the water table for years to come. A spokesman for the Tory Party (had he been honest) would have said: ‘We have no positive virtues at all, and are indistinguishable from the other two parties. So the only way we can hope to win this Election is by smearing and denigrating our opponents,or by avoiding politics and concentrating on personality and Mrs Cameron’s dress sense. ‘Until last week this was working very well for us because the Prime Minister is middle-aged, charmless, humourless and looks just like his party. 'And Mrs Brown is a bit of a frump, don’t you think? But we have destroyed Mr Brown so effectively (and he has given us so much unexpected help) that we have accidentally left the field open for Mr Clegg, whose wife is just as attractive as Mrs Cameron, if not more so. ‘We stamped out all remaining traces of conservatism in our party, joined the sexual revolution, embraced Brussels like a brother, spouted Green drivel, pedalled bicycles everywhere, committed ourselves to supporting the worst form of state education known to man and bound ourselves to vast and wasteful state spending for ever. 'We turned ourselves into the Liberal Democrats to get elected, and it looks as if they rather than we are going to benefit. ‘Having stressed that youth, good looks, a cool spouse and a relaxed manner were what really mattered in a would-be Premier, we have accidentally made the case for the Liberal Democrat leader. 'Unluckily for us he is better-looking than our man, has a stylish way of standing with his hands in his pockets, and is much more charismatic. In fact, rather worryingly, he does a far better Blair imitation than David’s. 'The truth is, we don’t know what to do between now and May 6, except produce more and better slime. It’s expensive, but we have plenty of dodgy millionaires left to pay for it. For now, at least.’ Well ha ha ha is what I say. The Tories have spent nearly five long years spitting from a great height on their natural supporters in an unprincipled scramble for office. They have believed for most of that time that they could win simply by fanning personalised hatred of Gordon Brown. The trouble is that hating Gordon Brown doesn’t necessarily lead to voting Tory. As we see. If the polls are right, they have not only failed but have quite possibly brought about the birth of a new Blair-style Left-Liberal party which will be far harder to beat than Labour, and just as dis astrous. With a bit of luck they may also have brought about the collapse of their own useless, lying, treacherous party, so that it can be replaced by a new one that actually stands for Britain and for conservative principles. Good. Those who have lived by smear and spin ought to die by smear and spin. **************************************************************************************************************************** And the best thing in it is Olivia Williams, who (as she did in An Education) lights up every scene that she’s in. The whole thing is great fun but the alleged secret (spoiler warning) – that the Blair figure and his wife supported the Iraq War because they were long-term CIA sleepers – is absurd. Yet Robert Harris can get away with it because it fits in with the dim Left-wing prejudices of publishing and film folk. The real secret, that the modern Left is penetrated by Sixties revolutionaries who despise national independence and dream of a globalised, politically correct world without borders, is much too dangerous for anyone to make a film about it. He is wholly committed to our continuing absorption by the Superstate. ‘In Europe, not run by Europe’ makes as much sense as ‘In Wormwood Scrubs, not run by Wormwood Scrubs’. Marriage? Only drastic divorce law reform can save it, not a reluctant tuppeny-ha’penny subsidy. Crime? The Tories invented the revolving-door early-release scheme in 1991, and tied the police up in red tape in 1984. They won’t say sorry for either, so why believe they’ve changed? They’re hopelessly compromised on drugs because their louche West London gang is rife with illegal substances. Education? Mr Cameron voted in the Commons to make new grammar schools illegal. Then there’s his shameful support for New Labour’s Iraq adventure and its lost, futile and bloody war in Afghanistan. And this is supposed to be conservative? Words fail me. ‘Progressives’ wring their hands and wonder why. But they will never see that it’s their fault, for destroying the married family and creating more and more homes where there is no father, just lots of serial boyfriends. It is in such households that the most abuse – sexual and violent – takes place. And each year we have more of them. Like the BSE scare and the swine-flu fiasco, not to mention the ridiculous fantasies of ‘ADHD’ and ‘dyslexia’, this is yet another instance of fanatics, claiming to have the sole rights to scientific truth, doing immense damage to society and the economy. But on this occasion they did so much harm so quickly that they created a powerful opposition strong enough to beat them. Alas, this is not the worst threat. The Global Warmist fearmongers, whose science is as weak and suspect as that of the ash-cloud fantasists, are wrecking our economy by stealth, slice by slice. Do we have to wait until we are an impoverished land of power cuts and shortages – where hardly anyone can afford to take an Easter break abroad – before we stand up to their arrogance? Scientists can be wrong, especially when they are in the grip of a fashionable dogma. If you want to comment on Peter Hitchens, click on Comments and scroll down.
24 April 2010 10:13 PM
Oh dear, the Tories now face an even better Blair imitator than Cameron
The Ghost’s hidden secret
Real Tories don’t ‘agree with Gordon’
So who’ll stand up to the climate fearmongers?
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Huge tankers full of fresh slime fanned out across the nation from Cameron headquarters this weekend. The new slime, specially developed in laboratories, is formulated to be used against the Liberal Democrat leader Nicholas Clegg.
This spring’s best film by far is The Ghost (though it is not as good as the Robert Harris book on which it is based).
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David Cameron’s only truthful words in the Sky News debate were: ‘I agree with Gordon.’ Immigration?
As long as we’re in the EU he can do nothing about it. And Mr Cameron wants us
in the EU.
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Grim statistic of the week is the news that the number of assaults on children under ten rose by eight per cent last year.
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Let us give thanks for the courage of the airline executives who, guessing that the volcanic ash panic was a silly fake, took to the skies to prove that they were perfectly safe.
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